Hello! I’m Mr. G., your PrinciPAL here at Creep State High School! I don’t know what you’ve heard about me, but I want to assure all parents that I am the sort of PrinciPAL who no longer hangs out with Jeffrey Epstein! I am also the kind of PrinciPAL who does not make unwanted advances on his employees. Why, I’m the kind of fun and approachable PrinciPAL that insists the students call me PrinciPAL Bill! You can trust a PrinciPAL who goes by his first name to look after all your students’ most important needs.
Creep State High is the school of the future! Today, our students. Tomorrow, all students! Let’s take a tour through our state-of-the-art super-efficient instructional institution.
We here at Creep State High take great pride in providing a personalized learning experience to maximize your child’s most efficient path to success. To ensure each student is always matched with the correct lesson, we process your child’s biometric data through state-of-the-art programs. Our systems perform regular identity checks through retinal scans, fingerprints, facial recognition and even DNA matches to ensure your student is who we think they are at all times. We promise your kids’ biometric data is secure with us. It will only ever be used to maximize their efficiency, today, tomorrow and until they die.
Our curriculum at Creep State High is delivered through free Windows laptops we provide to each student loaded with all the latest technology. Each student is guided by Clipper, our patented, personalized chatbot companion. Clipper is dedicated to your student’s personal success. No longer will your child be held back by inefficient teachers. Clipper trains your child to maximize our powerful AI tools, allowing your child to devote their time and attention to what’s really important: training the AI! . This makes us far more efficient than other schools, enabling us to deliver a perfectly perfect learning experience with fewer teachers per student, and sometimes even none! Clipper is all your child needs.
I am proud to introduce you to all of our great teachers here at Creep State High! Our star math teacher Professor Bill leads a wonderful curriculum that will be personally tailored based on your student’s eye movements tracking throughout each lesson. English teacher Mr. BG was recently awarded the All Seeing Eye award for his amazing advancements in natural language recognition that ensures we know your student from the sound and cadence of their voice. This allows us to ensure we can match everything our audio recording devices capture to your student, so we can catch any mistake they may make while in school. It’s this remarkable ability to know exactly who your child is and what they’re doing that makes Creep State High so efficient!
Our social science teacher William G is so excited to show you his new project where all the students help create biometric IDs for every living person on Earth, starting right here at our school! Retinal scans take just a second but last a lifetime in the cloud! Biology teacher Mr. G helps students develop skills in gene-splicing to make sure that the only crops that can be grown are our crops. Combined with our school’s historic investment in farmland, the future will be filled with genetically modified crops! Chemistry teacher Mr. William has some big ideas about geoengineering the planet, and can’t wait to show your student groundbreaking techniques that are sure to create the future of our dreams.
And last but not least, don’t forget physical education, where our gym teacher, Mr. Billy, develops your students to peak physical ability. Mr. Billy has always been especially passionate about making sure young women are fully fit. Thanks to our ability to monitor your child’s sleep, food intake and vital signs, Mr. Billy can always make sure your student is looking her best.
While you’re here, make sure to come to a basketball or football game, where you might run into our mascot Clipper, our very own original chatbot, and he’s just as helpful and attentive as he was back when he was first introduced in 1996! All the kids love when he appears to parents in the snack shack line with useful observations like “It looks like you’re trying to buy a hot dog. Would you like help?!” Soon we’ll debut our updated mascot COPILOT, a furry that anticipates you wanting a hot dog before you’re even hungry, and will make sure you consume exactly the right amount!
Here at Creep State High, we believe in teachers, as long as they’re all named Bill. And good old me? Well, I put the PAL in PrinciPAL.
The PrinciPAL is just a scary story kids tell around the campfire. A creepy joke in the back of a satire magazine. But the real Bill Gates is far scarier than you can imagine.